Just Jump

A few summers ago, I traveled to the beautiful islands of Hawaii. We traveled to Maui and hiked through a rainforest. Our guide led us through the beautiful sights. We saw several waterfalls and at one point had the chance to go cliff jumping. As soon as the guide said those words the crowd shrunk back, nobody wanted to do it. I was the only one who volunteered. After some convincing my dad agreed to jump also, and soon he made the leap. I stood on the edge looking down at the rushing water below and the waterfall crashing down. The dark water seemed foreboding and my fear took hold of me. I caught my breath, told my mom to get her camera ready, and with a leap of faith; I jumped.

Ever since I was a young girl fear was my greatest enemy. I wasn't afraid of snakes or spiders; my greatest fear was fear itself. I know Franklin Roosevelt said something along those lines (great minds think alike), but that was honestly my greatest fear. I get incredibly anxious for little things, for example, speeches. I'm confident once I start speaking, but the weeks and days leading up to it are filled with constant feelings of failure and worry.

My fear became so great that every morning before school I would get sick and throw up. I wasn't worried about school; I was worried that when I got to school an overwhelming fear would take hold of me, and I wouldn't know what to do. Everyday, I felt like I couldn't breathe; I'd get dizzy and not be able to stand. The doctors ran tests, but all they concluded was, nerves and stress. I had anxiety attacks, luckily minor, and was living in constant fear that I would have another. Fear made me feel like I couldn't move; I couldn't do anything. Soon my life became a routine of the same thing, trying my best not to get myself into situations where I could get anxious. Until my parents asked me how I would feel about moving.

By this time I had realized my downfall in my desire to be in a constant routine to protect myself. I wanted out, desperately. However, a part of me held me back, made me feel like I couldn't do it. It came down to my decision of whether or not we would move. I knew if we moved I wouldn't be far from my friends and family, but it still changed the routine I had accustomed. I wouldn't see my friends for a while, and I would have to leave the school, town, and family I grew up around. One day I decided to take a leap of faith, so when my parents asked me again how I felt about moving I said "yes."

I began to realize my "normal" had taken over my life. I didn't want to live my life without any change. Change, though scary can be an amazing decision. Life can end up being routines and schedules but it's not about that, that is not living. Life is about exploring the unknown and taking chances. I wish I could say I have no fear. I wish I could say I never get anxiety to a point where I can't breathe, but I do. However, I have finally realized life isn't about waiting for something incredible to happen. It's about taking that leap of faith, and jumping.